We’re home… from a cold, wet and windy MuddyPuddle… ahem, MuddlePuddle Camp.

I’ve been reflecting though and all was not lost; mud, wind, rain and grumpy staff aside it was okay and even if the adults had a tough time, the kids had fun. Mostly i think the newbies did too; onwards and upwards for next year.

Huge thanks to all the people who organised it this year, especially Nic and the impromptu committee who did so much did absolutely everything!

It seems to be inevitable that a muddlepuddle camp is extremely wet; this year it looks like we might actually be getting away lightly compared to some places but we are still managing to be quite wet. Several tents have had to be moved and we even lost a couple of campers. Ah well. Kids all seem happy though, especially as the adults are mostly indulging them in Sparky Krew Club!

WhenMax said the rain would bring out the Dunkirk spirit in us, I’m not sure he meant we would need rescuing in boats!

Ooh, quick start to the week; Wednesday already. Sunday was horrible, i was miserable, everyone kept out of my way. Very sensible. We did have a brief interlude when we all sat together and did some crafty stuff; the girls made these which are very efective indeed. Maddy got a bit stressed, but then she’s a total basket case at the moment anyway, so that was no great surprise. Lord knows what she’ll be like after a week drowning in a field.

Mind you, at least Amelie should be well occupied and she is tormenting the life out of Maddy at the moment, which really isn’t helping. God, if ever a pair of children were unsuited to being in close company, it’s them right now. Amelie can be a real bully at times and she’s got Maddy pegged as the easy target. Very difficult to deal with; all my instincts go with protecting Maddy but for one thing i’ve got to try and teach Maddy to cope with it and for another, i’d probably be better off just having Amelie under my nose at all times. Nothing seems to help Maddy with it, she just doesn’t see the wind up and get embroiled very time and you can see Amelie just relishing the power. Maddy goes into this hysterical “cry for help” honking bray of a cry, which isn’t real crying at all, just howling like some kind of call to arms and when i arrive i can just see Amelie being one step away from an artful shrug, sly smirk and wriggling out of it, because of course by that point Maddy’s over reaction is far more irritating than some deed of Amelie’s i didn’t see. I’ve tried really hard over the last year to step back from their arguments, but all it seems to have achieved is them being less nice to each other and doing more telling of tales instead of just asking for assistance, so i’m not sure i’m actually pleased with the result And for all Amelie is lovely in many ways, i don’t like this bullying aspect of her at all, it horrifies me because of what i went through at school but also because (i hope you’ll forgive me for this Greer, i’m pontificating only ) i know the damage that was done to my own relationship with my sister because i wasn’t able to handle her being a much sharper operator than i was. As kids my sister knew exactly how to wind me up, i’m sure just because she wanted my attention, and because i fell for it every time and didn’t just get over it, we just ended up not being friends for a lot of the time. I’d be sad to see Maddy and Amelie have a similarly mercurial relationship.

And as an aside, other sibling stuff changed this weekend. Fran and Maddy (fran-and-maddy) have always shared clothes and clothes drawers; they are so similar in size that it has always made sense. This weekend they came down to ask (which made me laugh!) if they could separate out the clothes and have a drawer each. Growing up. max has been orrying about Amelie feeling left out and suggested we swap rooms about and put Amelie in with one big girl; i gave him a fairly open mouthed look over that. F&M adore sharng, play happily and never fight, all hell would let loose if we separated them. When we camped last week they slept separately and their only fight was over who got to share with Amelie; we compromised and F got Amelie but also got Daddy, i kept Josie and Maddy (the sleep like the dead) children!
Monday; i worked very hard at keeping out of MF’s way and being with the kids more. We all did normally stuff and bit of this and that, not sure what. In the afternoon i took them to Activity World for a good thrash about with the local eo group. Lovely time there. Maddy met a new boy friend called B and was highly delighted; in fact they were at nursery at the same time but don’t remember each other. I’ve known his mum as another HEer for a while. In the evening i met up with a graphic designer about doing some new business cards and leaflets. Max took the kids shopping and out for tea.

Tuesday; had plenty planned but the weather was gorgeous and so they played all day in the garden with our new walkie-talkies. I went to bed at 11, got woken up by 3 different children before 12.30am and finally by the rain at 3am. So here i am, awake and up because lying in bed is no fun at all. Too much thinking time.

Will leave you with a smile. Well, it made me laugh anyway.

Frances was watching “Doctor Who, Utopia” for the nth time the other night. I think she likes Captain Jack, her eyes go all shiny when she talks about him (and she talks about him a lot!) I can deal with that, i oggle the Doctor, she oggles Captain Jack (How camp is that character? This is a worrying sign, i do hope she isn’t going to go throguh her mothers phase of always fancying gay men!)

“Mum, what does he mean when he says they’ve gone to the edge of the universe?”

“Don’t know. Nothing really, it’s just a story.”

“But, does he mean like the end of a road, or the end of time? What kind of edge is it?”

“Oh God. I don’t know. It’s just a story. Do we have to start on Quantum Physics before you’ve even learned all your tables?”

She was, however, highly persistant. And i should have done better. But you know, i mean… realllly… how am i supposed to know?

My blog, aided and abetted (and possibly kicked and cajoled) by Jax and Tim, has let me back in! Thank you liveotherwisers!

Just so little eyes won’t read too much.

Yesterday was a lovely day. In the morning we had LF’s company downstairs and she sprinkled Maxi Beads over the floor while talked Maddy through some number stuff, Amelie throguh a load of letters (she wrote her name joined up today!)  and Fran through Equivalent Fractions from MPH4. I REALLY don’t like those books, i’ll be so glad to see the back of them. NOT. ENOUGH. SUMS.

MF got out the parcels (i’m loving only doing 1 day a week!); we sent out 114 this week and lots of them have been new stuff; currently i’m most in love with the new Melissa and Doug stuff but i’ve nearly sold out of Aquabeads/Bindeez already, which is amazing really. In my spare moments (ha!) i’m updating all the search engine stuff on the site and improving the descriptions on thnigs, so that i can leave it be for a while with a clear conscience while i work on the new shop. Lots of it has never been updated since Jax did the first install and i really needed to go over it and tidy up the things that have had very minimal descriptions ever since. So far i’ve done the maxi hama beads section (gratuitous linking for marketing purposes there!) and interestingly, they’ve had a strong week. Though not quite as impressive as the purchase of 15 boxes of 36000 beads

Lunch arrived at the same time as Chloe and Michelle, more or less, i remembered to order a piece to our tent (can’t believe they’ve discontinued them) and still can’t get hold of Rachael to book. The garage was full of boxes and the kids built a cardboard city; in fact, it was London, Maddy drew a clock face for Big Ben. They had a lovely time and when they got bored and hot, we walked them round to the East of England Show, where we refused to buy them e numbers and eventually discovered a country trail with questions on farming to answer, bulls, cows, calves and sheep to look at and, at the end, a goody bad full of organic veg and seeds. They did some crafts, some puzzles, looked at an albino python and the weather turned, so we got cold and wet! Still, they probably learned something, even if it was a bit of an expensive afternoon!

Today they’ve run around the garden in small boxes with eye slits cut out (Josie looked like some cartoon character or other, but i can’t think who), Fran cooked the organic potatoes and we’ve watched lots of Doctor Who. Yum, yum to John Simm being in it

Must do better tomorrow. However, will spend time lying on bed playing with Fiver again, as he makes an excellent replacement for a soul and the children throng round as an added bonus.  Have to try and get ahead before we go away though, so will have to work too Oh well. This time next year….

I had a horrible night, full of vile and dreadful dreams and woke up feeling tearful and fragile and very much like i simultaneously wanted everyone to go away and everyone to throw their arms around me. I had a feeling it was going to be a tough day and i was right. Josie chose ths morning to notice she’d really, truly weaned; she came in and asked for milk and when i regretfully said no, she crumpled up into a heap, slid to the floor, sobbed, begged and eventually crawled away crying like her heart was broken. I imagine it wouldn’t take a mindreader to guess how that made me feel

You know, i thought i couldn’t manage if i had any more babies, but i’m starting to think that babies are like my power source; when i’ve got one, when i’m fighting the odds, i cram more in, do more, do it better, feel more, love more, am happy. And now without that, i think i’m going to wither away; i think there is a piece of me which is quintessentially “mother of a little baby” and now i haven’t got it, i think there is a gap in me that is too big to ever be fixed. I think i knew it before i had children – and i know it now. I was thinking the other day that if Fran follows in my, my mum and my nana’s footsteps and has her first child at 24, i’ll be a grandparent in 15 years. That just made me feel full of rage and jealousy. I’d rather it was still me in 15 years. I’ve got no idea how to fix it; life just feels empty now, empty and with an edge of despair, the feeling of teetering precariously on the brink of dreadful emotional peril. And this when i know how lucky i am, how full life is. I just seem to have lost the power to enjoy it. That wasn’t even better on pills; i’ve spent most of the last year sidestepping around my children, because it hurts so much to engage with them. Some days i can hardly look them in the face and i think that is just going to get harder, the older they get. I hardly even know at least one of them anymore. It’s awful. It isn’t even work, it’s me, i’m just avoiding connecting with anyone. I feel like i’ve lost the piece of me that knows how to love and have fun. God, it’s hard enough to be upright anymore, nevermind talk to people. I’m wasting their childhood because i’m too mentally exhausted to enjoy it and too frightened of the shadow that hurls itself at me every time i notice i’m having fun.

Today was probably a bad day to read the end of HDM; but that’s how i feel, it was all written there on the pages. Last April, i ripped my own soul out and left it behind and now i’ve got to go on without it. And knowing well enough that i should be careful what i wish for, i daren’t even wish for oblivion. Because knowing my luck, i’d probably get it.

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