If it were not for a friend called Sally, who arranged for me to have an outfit for an award ceremony, I’d have probably gone through this entire pregnancy without anything new to wear at all. As it is, one donated pair of trousers from a friend, one pair left over from last time, one swish top and one cool pair of trousers that I imagine will be holding up my saggy tummy for some months have done me nicely. Of course, the introverted state of grief and panic have largely kept me confined to home and I’ve worn baggy pyjama bottoms and t-shirts for most of my pregnancy this time. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to buy maternity clothes for myself, I did actually try quite hard at one point, but I got utterly overwhelmed by websites that wanted due dates and baby genders so they could bombard me with sales emails after the event. I had to unsubscribe from so many of those things after Freddie and it broke my heart over and over again. I also tried going to the high street for them, just to avoid the marketing, but honestly, hardly any shops have a decent choice of maternity wear in their stores any more.
Now obviously I’d not have made it through with so little if I worked (or even had a normal life which involved leaving the house to see people who wouldn’t turn a blind eye to me wearing the same top repeatedly!) but it has rather taken the fun out of it. Shopping, indulging, making preparations – it’s all part of the perception of preparing for a baby. I’m so old time all I can do is knit – and even then, not actual CLOTHES. I know Marmite will need a blanket to be wrapped in, no matter what happens, so I can knit those.
Someone suggested (in comments or on Twitter) that I create a wish list somewhere and then I can just fire off a few purchases from my phone after the event when all is (please, please, please) well. I thought this a rather brilliant idea; although I’m still struggling with feeling presumptuous it occurred to me I could do it on Pinterest and just gather some ‘cute baby ideas’ together. That way I don’t have to sign up anywhere and I can delete it in one swipe of a button if I need to. So that’s what I’m doing. I can click through and order from there at the right moment. One thing I definitely am going to indulge in, given we can do baby toys fairly well ourselves and we have a fair bit of 0-3 month baby stuff but very little newborn (so let’s hope Marmite is not too small) is treat myself to some nursing tops. I’ve never had them, or nice nursing bras, before, and this time I am going to have some! I reckon after all this angst, I’ll deserve it.
Of course, I had my wedding dress made with breastfeeding flaps and then had a baby that couldn’t be breastfed, so there is plenty of time for that plan to go awry, but we can hope.