The knitted sanity blanket continues and I’m starting to think this blanket says a lot about the process of the last year. There was no expectation of anything changing, ever again, in the beginning and no expectation of recovery, or learning to live alongside all of this. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to exist for more than another week. Starting something bigger was pointless.
When I started, all I could focus on was small squares, just getting from one end of the week to the next. I couldn’t manage to knit blue even though a knitted blue bed cover blanket was what I really wanted and I couldn’t deal with repetition that got easy or gave me room for thought. I couldn’t do a square in the same style or colour as the week before in case the week before had been bad and the feelings travelled over from one week to the next. Every week was a fresh square and a fresh colour and a fresh start. And I thought I would be like that for 2 years probably, by which time I hoped I’d have concluded it so I could knit a new baby a blanket.
Things have changed. Now the randomness annoys me and the lack of coherence is not so pleasing. I’m ready for a change but the blanket isn’t finished. I already know it will be a blanket for some other place in my home, not my bed, but the purpose is different. It is something I want to finish now, but I’m more focused on size than time. I’m trying to find a way to order it somehow, even if that means I change the plan. And I’m annoyed to be wasting time I could be knitting new projects in knitting a square each week and I often get behind. That wasn’t the purpose of it. It wasn’t supposed to be something that stopped me and now that it is, the time to change things must have come.
I can see that whatever the metaphor of this blanket is, it is time for it to conclude now. I don’t really want to be left with just a pile of squares though, so I need to find a way to knit it all together and tie it off.
And move on.