Missing

Dear Freddie,

On the day you should be 8 months old, I am with friends, lovely kind friends. I am surrounded by children. In this place are all the children your sisters love and who would have loved you. We are here with the babies who would have been your little gang. There are conversations about breastfeeding and sleepless nights and I ache to have reason to join in. Instead I am the most unwilling possessor of sleep and freedom in the building. There is no warm and wriggly bundle on my lap and no reason to be stiff and tired in the morning.

In an alternate reality I am putting you down to slither off, or handing you to a sister to give me a break. There is another me in this building who is rolling her eyes at thinking one more baby was a good idea and wishing I could stay up all night and wishing I wasn’t so tired.

But I can’t see her. Because I can’t see you. You are gone and so missing from this gathering, so missing from the headcount and missing from the gift list, so absent from the giggle of dressing up for a Christmas dinner which will not be your first, so very much not needing a small plate of finger food or a nappy change or feed at an awkward moment.

The carols are full of Mary’s Boy Child, the baby who ‘no crying he makes’. Not so very different from Merry’s boy child who just never cried. And it hurts. And there is nothing to be done because this is life and this is how it will always be and there is nothing that can be done to hide from it or make it better. I can sit among it and hurt or I can run away and hurt that I have had to run away. No one, no matter how hard they try, can fix it.

You are just not here. Your space was booked and there is a spot by the window in our room where your cot would have been, but there is no you. Not the healthy you, not the damaged you; just no Freddie.

I’m so lonely for you. I’m so lonely for being troubled by you, and wearied by you. I’m so sad not to be wishing I could have 5 minutes of not dashing about keeping up with you. More than ever in my life, I wish I didn’t have 5 minutes to myself.

You are suppose to be here, with me, with all of us. The absent friend.

Comments

  1. says

    Oh Freddie. Wish he was there with you too Merry. I know I’m slow, but just properly noticed the little duckling to the side with the rainbow in your banner. We’re taking the running away option for this first christmas. Sending lots of love xxh

  2. 'EF' says

    Merry, Freddie will never be forgotten. Thinking of you during this very hard time and sending love your way.

  3. HelenHaricot says

    you did really well for what was a partic difficult holiday moment and big step all in one go x x x And Freddie is part of your family, and not forgotten.

  4. Ishtar says

    Sending you strength…the journey is long and often arduous, but one day soon it will start to feel easier.

    You will never forget Freddie, but the pain of his loss will become easier to bear.

    Take care
    xx

  5. Jenna says

    Merry,

    I didn’t know this had happened. I’m so very very sorry for you and all the family.

    ((((((((((((Merry)))))))))))))))

    I promise you the pain gets less intense