I’m supposed to be finding things every day that I’m happy or pleased about at the end of it. This isn’t easy, mainly because I don’t seem to have the energy to create much movement at all and partly because being happy, being pleased and living has a measure of guilt attached, which is hard to shake off. Being happy makes me sad.
But yesterday there were people in the house who were flatter than me. And I needed to revisit that place of finding I like being out with my girls, just us. Being out as a 5 makes us talk to one another, being out as a 5 has less of a space in it than being out as a 6 with the 7th missing
So we went out. We went to Burghley House to walk in the grounds (not the sculpture garden as it isn’t free till November and it is too expensive for 2 hours). Plus I cried when the woman at the desk asked if I had any under 5′s and I had to leave in a hurry.
We took cameras and took photos of the beginning of Autumn – everyone had a go.
We took photos of them.
Look. There is almost an accidental space in that one. I’m going to see it for the rest of my life. A space for missing people who might have filled it. But lovely girls too, full of life, alive and okay.
We looked at tree shapes and types and spotted horse chestnut, chestnut, oak, hawthorn, cyprus, pine, beech and more. We spotted the bunches of Mistletoe last seen there the day before Freddie’s funeral. We gathered seeds and seed cases. We admired the deer and the house and talked about it.
We even had a mini physics lesson thanks to changing camera batteries and them having the power meter bar on the side – so we did circuits in a field
They did a lot of running around shrieking, filming each other and playing Sarah Jane Adventure games. Right at the end I taught them the use-a-scarf-to-be-a-horse-and-rider game and that was extremely popular indeed.
And I was pleased with myself because that is the furthest out of home I’ve been without an adult with me, or a person at the end of the journey, in more than 6 months. I could only do it because I didn’t have to interact with anyone who didn’t know about Freddie. But I did it. And it was good.