Wake up unusually cheerful. Very nearly bound out of bed without normal wallowing. Go to help Maddy with her laptop and CBBC has ICU style beeping in the background. Do my best but inevitably end up back in my bed crying. Beeping and anti-bacterial hand wash are, annoyingly, my two SCBU triggers.
Make it through the morning until we get into work. Get asked Is it that you cant carry boys? AGAIN.
Take girls out to lunch; Tesco filled with roughly 8 billion newborn baby boys. One is even wearing the very outfit, the only outfit, i bought for Freddie to be his going home clothes.
Get home and have a call back from Doctors. I want my smear test done but it has to be done mid-cycle after 12 weeks post partum. Ill be 11 weeks and midcycle next week but she refuses to book it. Have to explain that my child has died and id quite like to have it done so i can consider getting pregnant again. She suggests to just wait a while before getting pregnant. After all, it would only be an extra month or two to wait.
Take kids out to gym. Spend time with Josie, helping her to make up a photo album of Freddie, which she has been really wanting to do. We talk through what was happening in each picture. Lady opposite asks in friendly voice about the pictures. Have to explain hes dead.
Josie sits looking at photo album. Couple of kids come over to look and realise from it that we must be Frans family. We are the family with the dead baby.
Go over to rugby to meet Max, Fran and Maddy, where the one extended family member who is unaware we came home from hospital without a baby is also playing. [Edited to add, i’m not cross about this at all. It is exactly what i would want done for me, it was just another… ‘ugh’ moment.] He’s expecting a baby soon and his closer family haven’t told him about Freddie. I know this, Max evidently doesnt. Max has already answered hows Merry? questions with doing okay i guess response, not realising he is being asked how my pregnancy is going and hopefully not hurting that the question hasn’t included him. Then i meet the same person. I get asked the same because he is still in the dark. Split second to decide what to do, but decide to run away. Cry all the way home.
Have to deal with this as well see him weekly for a while and in the end the girls are going to be asked something that will hurt. [And it is dealt with and i’m so grateful to the people in my life who unequivocally put us first.]
Oh this is all such a sodding mess. All because i wanted one more baby.