Stop all the Clocks

Just a short note to let you know that Freddie died peacefully in our arms, in the gentlest, kindest way possible, this morning. I think he had done all he came to do, including opening his eyes and making noises for a while before suddenly becoming a far more poorly baby. I am as sure as i can be that something was terribly wrong with him throughout my pregnancy and as the odds began to stack up against him, he just became overwhelmed. I’m grateful to nature that in the last 48 hours he had no fits at all and showed us his eyes and a very beautiful little soul.

At some point i will write up his story – but for now i want to just be with my girls and grieve for our son and brother. We will miss him – and all he could have been – dreadfully.

For nearly 20 years i have hated April, the daffodils and cherry blossom, because of the memory of another boy who was gone too soon. For 4 years it has reminded me of the worst few weeks of my life. If i can do anything, i can fill my garden with daffodils and let Freddie be something precious that April brought us.

Night night, Freddie.

Comments

  1. Emma says

    Merry, I’m sure there are no words that could heal and take away the pain for you all right now, but please know that Freddie’s soul will be with you always and you are all in our thoughts.
    Much love xxxxx

  2. Elaine says

    No words I can say will even begin to help so all I can say is how sorry I am to hear this and that I will keep you all in my love and prayers.

  3. Ruth says

    Oh Merry I am gutted for you all. I am so sorry. Nothing i can say. Huge hugs to you all. xxx

  4. Jill H says

    Merry I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
    Love and hugs. xxxxx

  5. Katy says

    Goodbye little Freddie – so much wanted, so much loved and so very special.

    Lots of love to you, Max and the girls, Merry, from all of us.

  6. Sharan says

    So sorry for your families loss of your special son and your daughters brother. Thinking of you all…

  7. Frankie says

    Merry, I post here very very rarely, though I do follow your news. I’m so sorry for your loss. May Freddie become the light in your April.
    Love to you all. xxx

  8. Tracey says

    Merry, I am so sorry to hear of your family’s loss of a very special baby boy, love and sympathy XXX

  9. says

    Oh, darling. Oh, I am so, very, sorry. I am devastated for you all. I have walked this path both as a (little girl) sister and as a mother and yes, how wonderful that you were able to look into his eyes, to see his wee soul, to hold him in your arms.

    I am so sorry. You all are in my prayers.

  10. says

    Oh I really and truly don’t know what to say. I am so very very sorry Merry and all of your beautiful family, words are so meaningless right now but I wanted to pass on my thoughts to all of you. You are very much in my thoughts right now. Lots of love xxx

  11. Mieke says

    Oh no! So so sorry for your loss, Merry. Love to all the family, you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

  12. Lisa A says

    Merry, I am so very sorry to hear this news. Wishing you and your family much love and peace. Thinking of you all X X

  13. Annette says

    Fly high little Freddie. A little angel gone too soon. You won’t be forgotten.
    All our love and gentle ((hugs)) to you all.
    Annette & the girls xxxxxxx

  14. Cath ( fluff ) says

    I’m so so sorry to hear your sad news, thinking of you all at this very sad time xx

  15. Leandra says

    My words cannot explain the sorrow I feel at your loss. My heart goes out to you, Max and the girls at this time.
    Much love x

  16. Jacqui says

    Oh Merry. I’m so sorry to hear this news. My thoughts are with you, Max and the girls.

  17. Judy says

    Dearest lovely Merry
    I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t even begin to imagine how you all must be feeling, my heart goes to all of you, I hope you know that I am here if you need me or i can do anything.
    Love
    Judy and Jamie, Fin and Miles.
    xxxxxxx

  18. Khadijah says

    I’m so sad to hear he’s died Merry, for all of you. I pray the special love Freddie brought to you will make the grief somehow more bearable. xxxxxxx

  19. Michelle says

    So sorry to hear about your Freddie’s passing, here for such a short time, but surrounded by so much love.
    Thinking about you all and hoping that knowing everyone is sending love helps in some small way.

  20. Emma says

    You have all been in my thoughts and prayers over the week, I am so sorry to hear that Freddie has passed away, I pray you all find a way through this especially sad time. xxx

  21. Debbie says

    Oh Merry, I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. I will be praying for you all in the next weeks and months. Don’t forget to look after yourself through the grief,
    Debbie

  22. HelenHaricot says

    deeply sorry for the loss of little freddie. thinking of all your family and wishing you strength to get through the loss together. xx

  23. lynn says

    So very sorry for all of you. Freddie will always be at the very centre of all your lives. Sending you much love. How inadequate words are at a time like this.

  24. SallyM says

    Much love and hugs and sending you much strength for the following days, weeks and months xxx

  25. Nigel says

    Merry, Max and girls, Sending much love and peace for now and the days weeks and months ahead. Wishing I could do something!! The chidlren also send their love. Take good care of your selves and of each other. xx

  26. JanetF says

    So sorry to hear about little Freddie. Sending lots of love.

    Janet, Phil and Meri xxxx

  27. Amanda says

    Dearest Merry and all your family, I am so very sorry for your loss, sending you hugs and love and prayers at this sad time. Thinking of you all xxxxxxxxxxx

  28. Beth says

    so sorry to read such sad news, I wish I knew words that could help at a time like this. Thinking of you all x

  29. Daisy Broadbelt says

    All our love, vibes and prayers are with you and your family. Too sad for words.:-(

    Daisy, Zach and Kane xxx

  30. Zoe says

    So very sorry for the loss of little Freddie. Sending you, Max and the girls wishes of peace, love and strength xx

  31. SarahE says

    In tears here too. So very sorry to read this tonight. Sending you all our love and prayers for this time and the future. I’m sure you will treasure the memories of the time you had with Freddie.
    Roy, Sarah, Molly and Frances
    x

  32. Naomi says

    Merry – I am so, so sorry for the loss of Freddie. I have lit a candle here in memory of him tonight and will be keeping you all in my thoughts in the coming days.

    Naomi (long term reader, never before commenter and mum to a little girl who also died to soon)

  33. Jenny says

    OH no, I’m so very sorry to hear this and am holding you both in my thoughts and of course your lovely girls too. words cant express the sadness I think we all feel for you and with you
    With lots and lots of love
    Jenny, Chloe, Sophie and Connor

  34. says

    words just aren’t enough sweetheart, what a precious little boy. Sending you lots of love and thinking about you xxxx

  35. says

    Ah, pauv’ petit.

    Do fill your garden with daffodils and other spring things.

    Oh, Freddie. Oh, Merry, Max and girls.

    That Auden poem is so fitting when we have someone gone from us and taken from us.

  36. Raquel says

    Dear Merry, sending love and condolences from my family to yours. We are so sorry for your loss and are keeping you close in our hearts. x

  37. says

    Goodnight precious little man, sleep tight and God Bless. xx

    So, so sad for you all ~ but so happy too that Freddie brought a blessing to April :D

    Many many hugs and much much love.
    Cx

  38. Nikki Scott says

    Merry and family, I am so sorry. I have been a long time reader who has not posted here before, but just wanted to join everybody in letting you know that from across the country we are sending out love to you, your family and for your precious little boy. I hope that even through your sorrow you will be able to find peace.

  39. says

    Came back and read this a couple of times trying to find the right thing to say but just can’t. Just so sorry and sad for you and Max and the girls. Thinking of you – Sarah, Tim, Rosie and April x

  40. kelly says

    I am so sorry to hear of your news xx may your angels be with you today and all days and the everything that freddie came from surround him with light, love and peace. Much love and thoughts to you and your little ones xx

  41. Jennie says

    Lots of love to all the family. Thinking of you all and let me know if you need anything x

  42. Joe, Lou and girls says

    Merry – we’re so desperately sorry for your tragic loss. Our love to you, Max and the girls at this terrible time, and you’re all constantly in our thoughts. We are so sad we never got to meet Freddie – he looked such a beautiful little boy. Hope to see you all soon. All our love, Lou, Joe, Izzie and Millie xxxxxxxx

  43. Michaela says

    So sorry to hear this news. Another family thinking of you all and wishing you much love at this time. Michaela, Mike, Jacob, Jodie & Sam xxxxxxx

  44. Mink says

    Merry I’m so sorry… it’s been a long time since I ‘spoke’ to you on Muddlepuddle but I’ve kept an eye on your blog every now and again to see how you were all doing. It’s heartbreaking what has happened to Freddie. There are no words that can help but please know we are all thinking of you, Max and the girls.
    Mink & family

  45. says

    Thank you everyone. And Mink, i have thought of you so much over these last few years and this week especially. I don’t know how you managed to do it all again – i can’t even begin to imagine doing so now. I think my belief in things going right is well and truly broken.

  46. says

    Oh no :-(

    I’m so, so sorry, Merry and family.

    I just left a comment on the previous post without looking to see if there were any more first. The comment still stands though – what a beautiful picture, and you are all very, very much in my thoughts and prayers now. I’m sure everyone who reads this blog is weeping with you all.

    Look after each other, and lots of love.

  47. Alex says

    Im a long time reader but have never commented. Im so so sorry. Ill be thinking of you.

    Alex

  48. Sara Sengenberger says

    Merry, Im very sorry to hear of the loss of your little boy. I will be thinking of you and your family.

    Warmest wishes,
    Sara

  49. Alison says

    So terribly sad to hear of your loss. No amount of words can heal the pain that you are all feeling at this moment but hopefully time will allow you to remember him without too much sorrow.

  50. Vicky says

    I don’t know you except through your blog so I hope you don’t mind but I am holding you and and your family in my thoughts and prayers today and hope that you are able to find some peace somewhere today and again in all the days that follow.

  51. says

    I can’t stop thinking about you all and trying to imagine what you are going through. I wish I could find the right words to say just how sorry I am to hear about your terrible loss. xx

  52. Lorena says

    I just had to add my name so you know how many people are there with you through this. We met once or twice some years ago, I’m local to you, I want to offer help but don’t know what. Do ask anyone and everyone for help if you need it though.

  53. Christelle says

    Merry,

    You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. No words could express a sorrow so profound and we will be thinking of you and your family in days to come. May you find the strength and love amongst each other to carry on and live the life you would have loved to share with him..

  54. Nikki says

    I’m so sorry to read of your family’s loss; wishing you and your husband and your beautiful girls much time and space to grieve for your little boy.

  55. says

    Merry and family,
    You don’t know me (I have lurked on and off ever since I first started to home ed and you started Muddle Puddle) but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am about the loss of Freddie.

    My thoughts are with you all xxx

  56. Anne says

    My prayers are with you and your family, with your little boy. No words feel right, just a silent prayer for Freddie.

  57. Sarah, Dino & Mimi says

    I’ve not been reading, drifted away a bit. But stumbled across your blog again to find this.

    I’m sitting here with tears on my cheeks for you all. So so sorry to hear your news and sending cyber ((hugs))

  58. Rachel says

    Merry. Im another reader who you dont know but I would just like to say how sorry I am to read about Freddie. Im thinking about you and your family.

  59. Susannah says

    I’m so very sorry to hear about Freddie. The photographs of all of you together are beautiful, and I’m so sorry that he couldn’t be with you for longer. Take care of each other.

  60. says

    Dear Merry

    So sorry to hear about your sad and terrible news. So glad that you got a few precious moments with your special baby.

    It will make me hug my four a little bit tighter tonight when I tuck them in.

    Sending you my love,

    Kelly

  61. says

    I am so very sad to hear of your loss of precious Freddie. I doubt you remember me, but I remember you from way back on various groups, and am saddened to hear of your loss.
    I too lost my fifth baby suddenly shortly after birth last July and if you ever need a friendly ear, I’m here.
    Much love to all of you. x

  62. says

    I am so saddened to hear of your loss. Beautiful Freddie. Wish I could make it better for you all.

    Sending much love and hugs.

    Min & Annie xxx

  63. says

    Here from Jeanette’s blog. I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your precious boy. I love what you have said about April’s new meaning to you. Wishing for peace and comfort to find you soon. xx

  64. says

    Merry, I don’t think you know me. I was part of the Yahoo vbac/hbac e-group until October ’08, when our daughter Emma died during labour. I remember you from there. I visited Jeanette’s blog today and clinked on the link that brought me here. I was so saddened when I recognised that you were the mother Jeanette mentioned.

    I am so very, very sorry that your beautiful boy, Freddie, is not in your arms. I wish gentle days for you as you grieve.

  65. says

    You don’t know me either. I have lurked on your blog, on and off, for about a year. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers.

  66. Julie says

    I am another long time reader but have never commented before. You have inspired so many people with your blog and I’m so sad to hear about your beautiful baby boy. Take time to grieve and hold your family close. Sleep tight Freddie x

  67. sandra haynes says

    I’ve read your blog over the years, and as I’m now HE again checked in on you a few weeks ago and was pleased to read of your pregnancy. I’m so very sorry to hear about the death of your precious baby boy, I cannot begin to imagine the pain you and your family must be experiencing.
    Sandra

  68. says

    oh i am so sorry to read this sad sad news. you will all survive and grow stronger and wiser, i am sure. thank you for sharing your photographs.

  69. Alix says

    Merry – I am so very very sorry to hear this awful news. We send all our love to you and your gorgeous family. Night night little boy xxxx

  70. Sam B says

    Merry, i am so sorry to hear this news and my thoughts are with you and your family at this very sad time. I am sure that baby Freddie is playing with all of the sleeping angels now, my angel Joshua will look after him. xxxx

  71. Rosemary says

    I am so, so, sorry to read that you have lost Freddie and send you all lots of love and sympathy. My Aprils are also overshadowed. Our first baby died in April a long time ago now and although it becomes less raw it doesn’t go away.

  72. EF x says

    Really shocked and sorry to hear about Freddies death. Merry, I hope you are getting through somehow. Sending you lots of love. xxxx