I’m feeling rather pleased with myself, although whether this will impress anyone except Jax, Daddybean and possibly Tim, i have no idea. However, i have just successfully spent the evening installing a version of a shopping cart on to a spare website so i can play with it. As someone who, until recently, screamed for help over the merest thing, i’m glowing with self-satisfied pride. I even read the instructions and everything. Then i followed that up with finding, altering and implementing an overseas shipping rate on BeadMerrily, which should help rather a lot. Shame i stand absolutely no chance of worknig out what exactly it is on BeadMerrily that is forcing the SSL certificate padlock to stay unlocked though. Sadly all notion of hunting for scripts behaving recklessly is quite beyond me

Nonetheless, a good job done. I’ve even done two small models for my secret project, which feels rather pleasing too – and i’m inspiring the girls and they are inspiring me, so that is good too. Yesterday they produced a rather fab troll, fairy and replica of a stage complete with curtains, roof, backdrop and actor Thank heavens for wholesale prices.
Fran and Maddy had Brownies where they had a visit from the Raptor centre, with birds of prey – and now want to visit. Beans? Shall we go sometime?

Yesterday passed in a haze of modelling, playing, singing and reading – very peaceful day indeed. Today Max was home and i spent the majority of it getting the car MOT-ed, fixed, retyred, re-MOT-ed and so on. Hunted for a new dishwasher, but decided to wait given the afore mentioned MOT costs and then went to the doctors for a once over. He and i came to the mutual conclusion for me to stay on my low dose of pills; actually i think he thought that i should move up a dose, but i think i’d rather feel like i have a moderate quantity of actual feeling, rather than being dosed to the eyeballs and not caring about anything. i seem to have settled into a more-or-less copeable with level of sad but okay, sometimes angry, sometimes at peace, sometimes just wretched sort of thing. It isn’t wretchedly depressed, nor is it buoyantly happy, but perhaps i stand more chance of processing things and moving on if i can actually feel them. I don’t want to spend my life on pills, but struck rigid with grief, guilt and shame isn’t much cop either.

So we’ll see.

Max and the kids have Bamzooki-ed, cycled, walked, played, tidied and played with rabbits – they seemed to have had a nice day – and i quite enjoyed 4 hours sat drinking free hot chocolate, playing Animal Crossing and reading my book. I’ve finished Magician again now – i think i might actually be ready for a book i haven’t read before. That’ll be the first time in a year.