It really gets me every year that these were my last few happy minutes, minutes where really I’d never had anything to be utterly crushed by, ever again.
It doesn’t really work like that of course. There are plenty of happy moments, not least because I learned to be grateful for Freddie in so many ways, and also because we just learned to live with his absence.
It catches up at times. It’s caught up this week because today, for the first time ever since he was born, this day has another event in it that can’t be moved, so I’ll be at a gym competition with a couple of the girls at a time I’d normally be lighting candles on the doorstep and the lawn for him. So I can’t. I’ve fretted all week about it.
Actually, it’s going to rain, so I couldn’t have anyway. Maybe that’s him saying it’s okay. I don’t know.
If you are home and feel inclined, perhaps you could light one for my daffodil boy. I’d be very grateful. He really was so beautiful and there was so much hope and love ready for him.