Read Merrily

Friday, August 27, 2004

The Secret History.

During my last three years at school, and for my year at Drama School, i was part of quite an odd set of friends; 5 were boys and then there was me, all the boys were gay, i wasn't, they were a year ahead of me, we worked in the school theatre and ran a variety of out of school productions as well, operating as a completely independent unit at the local theatre. I enjoyed it very much, we had an identity i felt very happy with and two of them waited for a year for me and we went to Drama School together (that WAS a mistake.)

What i didn't know, for some of the time, and what was kept secret, was the interpersonal relations between us. Mostly, no one was "out" as being gay, i was hugely attached to one and occasionally i would get horribly used by him while he worked out his feelings. Another, who i adored platonically and still speak with occasionally, was madly in love with him in secret, the one i loved was madly in love with another (complete tart) who used anyone he felt like, another regularly slept with both of the first two, and occasionally the second but was madly in love with another person all together, while equally pretending to be straight and occasionally faking suicides. Oh yes, and another one, who apparently decided he was gay several years later, was always trying to get me to go out with him. We were such a remote set, given a weird status by the staff who trusted us with big budgets and the reputation of the school drama department, that they knew few other people. I had MY school friends of course, because i was at a different school, but they were pretty much insular. If i'm honest, it was probably this enormous melee of sexuality going on around me that rather took up my time and development at that time. Just as i finally removed myself from it, my friend was killed, and the rest as they say, is history.

I've no idea at all, whether lots of people have these strange friendships at those times, but its certainly the reason why this book spoke so strongly to me. Its about an odd combination of people, all studying greek at an American College, insular and misunderstood and the powerful mind games that go on between people who lead or follow naturally. Its about horror, breakdown and personalities that if you think about it, you could probably apply generally to groups of people you have known. Its about secrets and group politics, control, luck and bad luck. Its amazing.

It reminded me a lot of Rebecca in its darkness and helplessness, it reminded me of Catcher of the Rye in its tone and its "dissoluteness" and The Great Gatsby in its despair and ruin. It reminded me of my friends and myself because its about how peoples dreams come to nothing when events overtake them. Its not a depressing book although its a tale of life at its headiest and its worst and although its not a a life i have experienced, it spoke to me in a way little else ever has. It ended with a sequence so astonishingly like something that i once wrote, and which remains the first page of the novel i one day want to write, that i positively shook when i finished. I wish i had written it.

3:55 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home

An attempt to get through everything i haven't already read in the BBC Big Read Top 100 during this year (hmmmm... maybe a little longer than 2004 actually... didn't bargain on the pregnancy and baby!!!!!)

: Name:merry

View my complete profile

About Me